If You Give A Yami A Flamethrower
by Wingleader Sora Jade
Summary: Parody of the "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie" ect. books staring Bakura! ^_^ Mai goes to the library with a bunch of munchkins and desides to read them a book... Maybe that's not such a good idea...


If You Give a Yami a Flamethrower... 

WSJ: ;_; My computer's going to be shut down tomorrow! 

Ryou: *munching on a candy cane he'd stolen from Baby Winter's secret stash* What for? 

WSJ: *looks at him, slightly annoyed* Because we're moving. I should have it back up and running in about a week however, and I'll put up the next chapter of _Visions of the Heart_ then too. I just wanted to be able to post something short and very silly before I have to pack up my computer. 

Ryou: *rolls eyes* Right... 

WSJ: ^_^ Malik torture time! I've been wanting to do this ever since KaTyA and Baby Winner started giving Bakura pyro-weaponry. 

Ryou: *chokes* THEY GAVE BAKURA FIRE!?!?!?!? 

WSJ: *sweatdrop* You're right... Stupid, stupid authoress! *hits herself on the forehead* Com'on Ry-chan, we gotta save the world from your yami! *grabs his hand and runs off* 

Two minutes later Yami wanders in and pokes at the candy cane Ryou dropped. Tentitavely, he licks it. 

Yami: ^_^ Sugar! *devours cane* WSJ don't own YGO. 

WSJ: *her voice echoes from a very long way away* Mind the grammer Yami! 

()()()()() 

Mai sighed and glanced over at Isis. "How do we get ourselves into these things...?" 

The Egyptian temptress also sighed. "You're asking me?" 

The two had been roped into helping out with a summer playgroup that Tea was running for neighborhood kids. Promised money if they complied, Isis and Mai had "happily" agreed. Now they were stuck spending their summer with eight little munchkins ranging in ages from two to eleven, including Mokuba Kaiba. 

Today, after a week of rainstorms and not being able to leave Tea's house, where the playgroup was being held, the three women had desided to take the kids to the library. Boy, that had been a mistake. 

Isis felt a tug on her jeans and looked down to see six-year-old Eliza Taylor, a cousin of Tristan's. "Ithith, I gotta go potty." As you can tell, she'd just lost her first tooth and didn't quite have the hang of talking yet. 

Isis sighed and took her hand. "All right kid, com'on." She led Eliza away, leaving Mai with five brats. Tea had already had to leave to get the twins (three-year-olds) cleaned up after they desided to play in the nice muddy flower bed out front on their way in. 

Mai groaned slightly. Well, at least she could count on Mokuba to help out. The elevan-year-old was the oldest there besides the three girls, and tended to help them with the younger kids. At the moment he had seven-year-old Thomas by the hand to keep him from climbing the shelves like a monkey. 

Mokuba and Mai exchanged helpless and frazzled looks, and Mai grabbed a book off of a nearby shelf at random. "Come on kids, let's go read a book." 

She grimaced at how old-fasioned she sounded as she led the kids over to a reading corner decked out in couches. She'd always thought she'd make a good teacher or nanny or something, but she'd promised herself that if she ever did indeed find herself dancing on rooftops with chimney-sweeps, she'd beat herself to death with her own umbrella. 

(WSJ: *bows to the almighty Terry Pratchett* ^_^ I love Susan! That line is a classic!) 

Mai sat down on one of the couches and let the kids settle in around her. Once she was ready to read she finally looked at the book she'd grabbed, then did a double take. 

"Er, Mokuba? Does this really say what I think it says?" she asked nervously, handing the book to him. 

He sweatdropped and handed it back. "Yep." 

Mai swallowed and began to read, hoping that this all wasn't a big mistake. 

"If You Give A Yami A Flamethrower, by Ryou Bakura." 

Amazingly, none of the youngin's stopped her to ask what the heck a yami was. Ah, to have the faith of a child... 

The cover was all black, with the title and author's name in silver. Mai opened it to the first page, and began to snicker and twitch at the same time. It showed none other then Bakura, a heavy-duty flamethrower strapped to his back. He had an evilly-psycotic gleam in his eye. Gathered across from him stood Yugi, Yami, Malik, Ryou and WSJ, looks of mute horror on their faces. 

"If you give a yami a flamethrower, he'll most likely want a victim to go with it." 

Next page. This time everyone except Bakura and Malik had vanashed. Malik was cowering in a corner and Bakura was cackling evilly. You could tell because there was a little speech balloon that said "Mwahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" in it. 

"And if you give that yami a victim, he'll probably want to torture it." 

Page three had Malik done KFC style, extra crispy. A small fire was stil going in his hair and a whisp of smoke was rising from the end of the FlameThrower. Bakura had a saticfied smirk on his face. Ryou was standing in the doorway of the room, a slightly shocked, slightly annoyed look on his face. 

If Mai'd had to guess, she'd have bet that Ryou had gotten WSJ to do the illistrations. The way that Ryou's hair was spiking out a bit too much and Bakura was almost always drawn from the side because his eyes always ended up being lopsided was definately her style. 

"Of course, if he tortures it, _someone_ will have to pay the doctor's bills." 

The next page showed Malik in a hospital bed, all bandaged up. Ryou was sitting beside him, a polite look and slight sweatdrop on his face. Through the window it was easy to see Bakura being chased around the parking lot by Yami-Malik. 

"And if the hikari pays the doctor's bills, there won't be enough money for food. So..." 

The next page was set at some sort of grocery store. Bakura's shirt was stuffed full and bulging, with a bunch of grapes hanging out of the collar, a carrot sticking out of each sleeve and a ring of chocolate bars around his waistline. He was trying to be inconspicuous and sneak past the cashier. It didn't seem to be working. 

"The yami will have to revert to his upbringing and steal." 

Mokuba sweatdropped as he looked at the picture. "I think he's losing his touch after five-thousand years..." 

"Nah, he's just never gotten the hang of security cameras." Mai whispered back before flipping to the next page. Her eyes widened and she quickly bit down on her tounge to keep from laughing. 

Bakura was just outside the store, police officers surrounding him on all sides. His eyes were wide and he had his hands in the air, causing produce to spill out of his shirt. Ryou and WSJ were standing nearby and pretending they didn't know him, the whole while laughing their behinds off. 

"He'll get caught and go to jail." 

The next page had no words, but had a picture of Bakura in a black-and-white prison suit behind bars. Mai chuckled. "So that's it! Yami never sent him to the Shadow Realm at all! He was locked up all that time and Yami and Ryou made up that story to cover for him! I KNEW it!" 

She noticed all the kids, as well as several librarians, staring at her and sweatdropped slightly, sitting back down. She cleared her throat. "Ahem. Yes, well..." 

The next page had Bakura in the same scene as before, but grinning widely and holding a cake in both hands. There's obviously a nail file sticking out of the top, and the icing on top said "From WSJ". 

"And if that yami goes to jail, he's going to find a way to get out again." 

The next-to-last page showed Bakura at a welcome-home party. He's gotten ahold of his flamethrower again, and Malik's making sure to stay far away from him. There's a pile of presents on the coffee table, most of which are very oddly shaped. Several of the tags are readable and say such things as "From WSJ", "From White Angel", "With Love From HotaruMaxwell" and "Love Pegasus" (O.o; Won't go there...). Bakura's holding one half-unwrapped in his hands and has a sadistic smile on his face, though we can't see what the present is. The tag says "Yours, Baby Winter" 

"And when he gets out, his friends will throw him a party with lots and lots of presents." 

The very last page showed Bakura grinning evilly, his flamethrower on his back and a bow and flaming-arrow ready to be shot in his hands. 

"And if he gets a flaming bow and arrows kit, he'll want a flamethrower to go with it..." 

Mai closed the book and looked over at Mokuba. "I am very disturbed." 

Mokuba nodded solemnly as Isis and Tea wandered over with the other three kids. Tea noted the looks on the faces of Mai and Mokuba, and looked at them questioningly. 

"So... What'd we miss?" 

()()()()() 

WSJ: *giggles happily* That was so fun to write! Maybe I really should illistrate it... *waves* Ja! 

God bless minna-san! 


End file.
